Sunday, September 21, 2008

Digging In Your Heels

Sept 21

I'm going to try to find a link to the songs of the titles and add them to the date of the blog entry. I may even go back and update the older ones. I think it's fun finding the song titles to fit the blog entry.

I guess I'm just digging in my heels over this chemo because it isn't over after the last infusion. The chemo and side effects can stay with me for 6-12 months. That isn't right. I'm going to be checked every 3 or 6 months, so why not wait to see if something else grows? By that time, I will have had more time on my job and gotten over the shock and terror of having been diagnosed with cancer.

I'm also mad at myself for acquiescing to having a 2nd surgery. For 1 mm, it wasn't necessary (to me). If there was something there, then the chemo should be able to knock it out. At least that's how I think it would be. The 2nd surgery has done much more damage than I expected. I should have gotten a 2nd opinion. Every blasted thing I've read about cancer says get a 2nd or 3rd opinion!!!! And I didn't. I didn't go with my gut about not having a 2nd surgery.

Also, I wanted chemo first to shrink the tumor so they would take less tissue. I acquiesced to the doctors saying I didn't need it. It didn't warrant it. . . I would look okay in clothes. When I heard that, I should have put a hold on the surgery at Virginia Mason and gotten another opinion. I didn't.

NOW, I want to get a 2nd and 3rd opinion on this chemo.

I haven't heard officially that I have been approved for shared leave. The HR person said I might hear early this week. I had heard through the grapevine that I was approved, so who knows.

We really wanted to get away to the ocean this Friday to have a 3-day break between surgery/recuperation and the next leg of this journey (chemo). Of course, that's IF I have chemo.

But it isn't right that if I am approved for donated leave, to use that leave for a vacation. My colleagues have had to pick up the projects/tasks I would have done for over a month (guilt talking). That's another thing I'm hating about this blasted cancer. It controls everything! While I will be very, very, grateful should the donated leave come through, it would be nice to rejuvenate at the ocean.

Stay tune as the Cancer World Turns . ...

Peace to you all and many blessings.


  1. Don't kick yourself for your past decisions on having a 2nd surgery. At the time you felt it was the best thing to do, and you wanted to make sure they got all the cancer. If needed, you probably could do something to "fix" things. I'm sure you could if you needed to.

    But you're probably right in getting a 2nd opinion on the chemo. You'd feel better, I'm sure, seeing how another doctor felt. You're right, a lot is at stake in having chemo, so you want to make sure.

    Renee, I know how it feels to "kick" yourself over decisions made, that you felt weren't maybe the right decisions. I have made a lot of "dumb" decision! You did not make a "dumb" decision, you were trying to make a wise one, in hearing the doctors advice, etc.

    I'll be praying that God would give you the wisdom to make the right decision here. And also, I hope and pray you can get away to the coast with Vic. You do need it!

    You're in my heart!
    Love you!

  2. Renee -- if you *want* a vacation, then you NEED a vacation. It is part of your healing. Work is work, and home is Cancerville, these days. The ocean is


    and that's where you need to be.


    And I'll bet every person who is donating time to you would agree. Please go!

    Love from your cuz