Saturday, July 19, 2008

Basket in the Pool

July 3rd
I am a basket case. People tell me that I am handling “this” so well. But they don’t see what is really going on inside of me. Yes, I do use humor to release some of the tension and negativity from my body and mind. But I am scared. Okay, I said it. I am scared! I feel the need to not constantly talk about “this” to Vic. I want to have a “normal” relationship with him that is not centered around “this”. But how can our lives be “normal” until we know what “this” is and what the treatment plan is. We need to educate ourselves to be prepared for the doctor visits.

I am so worried about him. He is calm on the outside; what is really going on in his brain? Is he scared? Can someone really be that calm?

He’s my Rock. I don’t like him sometimes and I know he doesn’t like me sometimes. . . it’s called marriage. But he’s my Rock. I think about how my life will be if he doesn’t survive his surgery. But I can’t talk about that fear with anyone. So the thoughts swirl around my brain. What will my life be if he has chemo or radiation at the same time as me? What can I do now to prepare for this possibility. This isn’t really all about me, even tho it sounds like it is. I want to be prepared for the future – I want to be in control. That’s my nature. If I have the information, facts and figures, then when the bad news is delivered, I am prepared to deal with it. I don’t have to tell the world to stop, while I go research. Sometimes you have to make quick decisions and I don’t want to do that under stress or duress.

Will when we be “normal” again? I read stories of BC survivors how they live their lives to the fullest, how the BC has changed their outlook on life. Will I get that way? Could I get that way? To not have to be in control? Not to see the glass half empty?

We research and research and research on the web. This Triple Negative doesn’t look too good. If the BC was fueled by hormones, I could take anti-hormones . . . a pill! A pill for 5 years . . the magic number of 5 for cancer survivorship.

One doc says, “Those tumors that are triple negative are today treated with a combination of chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation. We have no evidence that any additional treatment is useful.” So we research effects of chemo and radiation. I ask Vic to go onto the internet to look at pictures of what a mastectomy looks like. Could he handle looking at it? Will our sex life end? Oh boy, I sure I can get thoughts swirling . . . .but it’s a normal for some people. It may not be your normal, but it is my normal.

Lesson learned: Find a shrink or therapist that you can share these swirling thoughts with. It’s not a sign of weakness if you need a non-family, non-friend to talk to. It may help your job and your marriage.

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