Friday, April 30, 2010

Probably, maybe, might

As a child, when I heard my parents’ immediate response with these words to my question, I would generally stomp my feet or huff as I walked away. In my young mind, it meant “no”.

As a parent, I found myself using these same words with my daughters, with the same reaction.

But I also recall begging, pleading, crying, and tantrums when those words were said. And not just from me – sorry my sweet daughters.

It might (oops – from here on noted as {O}) have been better to hear or say, “Tell me more about your request”, “That’s sounds interesting. Let me think about it and I’ll get back with you in an hour”.

Okay, maybe {O} that’s me probably {O} thinking I would have acted more appropriate when my parents had said it. Maybe {O} the internal feelings would have been more positive instead of an immediate negative feeling. I might {O} have not felt blown off, not validated or respected.

These are safe words. The person saying them doesn’t want to offend or hurt the requestor.

In the case of this blog, it’s a doctor not 100% sure and probably {O} not wanting a lawsuit if his professional guesses turns out to be wrong. I can understand that. Does it mean he’s not validating me? Or respecting me? Or blowing me off? No. Simply that more information is needed.

November 2009’s MRI showed a suspicious spot on the left, non-cancerous, breast. It was a “let’s check it again in 6 months” routine. Last week’s MRI results finally said “This site is benign”. Further, his “impression (such a nice clinical word isn’t it?) “No findings worrisome for malignancy”.

Worrisome? Interesting choice of words. So that means that if a report doesn’t state “is benign”, we should worry?

However, oh, we love that word too, right along with “But. . .”.

The right breast, the one that HAD cancer: “Overall there is increased enhancement of the margins of the lumpectomy site, yada, yada, yada. Enhancement continues to increase and this is probably benign. Recommend follow-up MRI in 6 months because of new site of focal enhancement that maybe related to yada, yada, yada”.

I’m probably {O} taking those words out of my vocabulary – maybe {O} when talking with others. But then again, I might {O} not.

I’m off to have a MRI of the brain. No one is questioning if I have a brain or, for that matter, validating if a brain exists. They just want to rule out that nothing is lurking there due to recent symptoms. Laymen’s term: has the cancer passed the blood/brain barrier and moved into the brain. Those who have read my blog or know me, this is claustrophobia at its worst.

Stay tuned to learn about the results from yesterday’s appointment with the Rheumatologist.

Time for me to take Valium and get into the confident, warrior mode to face the MRI beast. Gotta love living through drugs.




  1. Hey - I sending you lots of love & positive thoughts as I'm sure many are too. Reading your blog made my stomach churn as I understand the fear of being at a higher risk. You WILL make it through the MRI and no matter what the results are, remember to live each day to the fullest. No regrets!
    I'm due for a checkup on May 18th w/oncology and a mammogram won't happen until Nov. (once a year for me).
    Good news - just got my tattoo on Tuesday. Reconstruction is done after almost 2 years!!!

  2. So did they define what 'enhancement ' meant and what could be increasing? I wish they would have more women with TNBC consider mastectomy. "They" keep saying there is no difference in survival between M and L+radiation but they always counsel BRAC1 carriers to go for the M. I certainly wish I had had one as I have this tough scar tissue that would make it impossible to feel a lump if one came back.
    Hope the brain MRI goes well.

  3. shit, shit, shit....i hate all of this you girlfriend...and i am with Sue - wishing that i'd opted for bilateral mastectomies....