Sunday, April 18, 2010


I'm okay. 
Just okay. 
Not zippity-do-da-the-sun-is-shinning wonderful. 
Each day seems to be a struggle . . . sometimes mental;
sometimes physical;
sometimes spiritual.

My bones ache.
My muscles ache.
My brain is fuzzy.
I'm fatigued.
Each day is not the same. 

You (I) tell yourself (myself) that every headache is not brain cancer.
You (I) tell yourself (myself) that the pain in the hips is not bone cancer.
You (I) tell yourself (myself) that you (I) will not cry when talking with the doctor about the pain.
You (I) tell yourself (myself) to go on with life and ignore these things.
Not everything in your (my) world is related to cancer.
This is your (my) new normal.  That f-ing comment that you (I) hate.  Yep hate; not polite "dislike". But hate. 

17 months since chemo ended.
15 months since radiation ended.

I truly thought I would be back to me once the hair grew. That was the measurement, the goal, that all would be well with our (my) world.  It's not.

I'm alive. 
I have a job. 
I have a house. 
I have a car. 
Okay, it could be worse.

MRI this Thursday.
6-month follow up with oncologist the following Thursday.
We (I) will be more than okay if we (I) don't hear the words, "There's a spot that we want to keep an eye on.  Probably nothing, but. . . ."

Follow-up appointment with regular doctor to determine if it's just fibromyalgia.

Just sharing some of the things going on in our (my) life.

Hoped that it would be an uplifting blog entry.  It's not.  Oh well.  It's okay.

Going outside as the sun is shining.  Maybe it'll help get the zippity-do-day back into our (my) world.





  1. i hear you sister - loud and clear...feel just the same some days...others are better. wishing for many more 'better' days for you!

  2. This too shall pass, this too shall pass. As for the possible fibromyalgia, Neurotin or Lyrica might help.
    For me, the cancer stuff has faded into the background as now I am dealing with a teenage pregnancy.
    I don't like 'the new normal' either.

  3. I hear you as well Renee. I also think it the new normal for us now. I am having some of the same symptoms and mentioned the pain in the hip and next thing they are sending me for a bone scan on Tuesday to rule out bone cancer....not what I want to hear either. I push myself to the limit these days because I feel if I give in to it then I have lost all I have been fighting for this last two years.
    Things have to and will get better Renee:)

  4. Hi Renee - hopefully the sunshine is lifting your mood. We've had an excellent early spring here where I live, and it really helps! I'm 7 months post-chemo, 5 months post-radiation. I feel pretty good, but still the bone aches (hip and lower back) from chemo. I'm also going for a bone scan, but really just as a baseline, let's hope there's no osteoporosis in the future... I wonder if the aches/pains and worries will ever completely fade away...