Drifting off to sleep at night, so many thoughts flood in, some being what I would consider good to share on this blog. In the morning, those thoughts are gone. Please don't tell me to keep paper and pencil next to the bed to jot down the info. That would require turning on the light, re-engaging the brain which will wake me up! Falling to sleep has always been a challenge for me. My brain is too active day and night . . . alot too active.
Some of you may know the mantra, or at least part of the mantra: If only I was younger,or If I was thinner. . . or I wish my [insert body part] was different. For you men (I’m guessing here): If only my [blank] was bigger/smaller, or If only I had hair, I'd be, , ,. Woulda, coulda, shouda.
Quite a few issues occurred this week that have set off these negative thoughts. One can handle a negative thought. I can do that. I can get the Doris Day, Que sera, sera song going with the best of them. But when many issues and many negative thoughts pile up on me, I don’t do well. Raise your hand if you do. Please.
I have no idea where I’m going with this, but hang on. Maybe we’ll circle back around.
I’m sick of self – myself. Self, self, self. I’m tired of people noticing the length of my hair. I AM more than my hair. I just looked up “self” on Wiktionary.org and found this:
Noun: An individual person as the object of his own reflective consciousness.
Reflective. Hmmmm. Yeah, been doing that this week. Wondering why I think and feel the way I do. What makes me different from other people? Am I really different? Don’t we all have some insecurity? Fears?
Fears? Oh my. Yeah. Fears that this damn cancer will come back. I hate sneaky people. I hate sneaky cancer. I hate fear. Fear takes away the ability to live your life in the here and now. Fear robs you of looking forward, outward.
Noun: A strong, uncontrollable, unpleasant emotion caused by actual or perceived danger or threat.
In the reflection of this week, I tried to find a metaphor for cancer. While in treatment, I had a purpose, a fight, a battle, a journey. Out of treatment and getting ready for the one year boob squeeze (mammogram), where am I? I need metaphors to get over big issues and negative thoughts. Like the time my doctor introduced the idea of anti-depressants 20 years ago. I didn’t want to take something just to feel normal. And this wonderful doctor said,
Doc: Do you have allergies?
Me: Well of course I do. That’s why I’m here every spring.
Doc: Do the allergies make you not normal?
Me: Okay, doc, where are we going with this weird conversation? No, the allergies don’t make me not normal. . I just have them. A lot of people do!
Doc: You just have them, hmmmm.
Me. Getting ready to roll the eyes. Yeah? So?
Doc: You have a chemical imbalance that causes depression. Just like you need anti-histamines for the allergies, you need anti-depressants for the depression.
Me: Light bulb!
Noun: The use of a word or phrase to refer to something that it isn't, invoking a direct similarity between the word or phrase used and the thing described.
And my metaphor for cancer is tooth decay. I know there is decay somewhere in my teeth. It’s inevitable. It may not show up at my dental appointment this coming Friday. It may not show up at the one 6 months from now. I eat sweets, I don’t brush my teeth 3 times a day and I don’t floss twice a day. But do I worry about the tooth decay? Is our life all about tooth decay? No and no.
My apologies to anyone reading this blog that may be dealing with Stage IV cancer or a more life-threatening cancer than my Stage 1 Grade 3 TNBC. My intent is not to downplay the seriousness of cancer or offend.
Worrying and having fear about the cancer returning robs me of my laughter and my joy. It robs me of living in the present. Worrying about the future is powerless. I like what this person has to say about worry
Worry is proportional to our sense of security. When life is going as planned and we feel safe in our life routines, then worries subside. Likewise, worry increases when we feel threatened, insecure or are overly focused on and committed to some result.
So, I’m going to live my life with possible tooth decay. But I am not going to BE tooth decay. If and when the tooth decay is discovered, I will deal with it then. And I'll continue to speak to the negative thoughts and do my best to turn them around to positive thoughts.
Sending you many hugs, I remain . . .