Thursday, March 12, 2009

Mr. Lefty Middlefinger

Can I vent?

If your answer is no, you may want to click over to another site.

It’s been 204 days since the first surgery
It’s been 185 days since the second surgery
It’s been 100 days since the final chemo
It’s been 37 days since the final radiation

Aren’t we done yet with this cancer thing and side effects?

One would think that with this many days since something happened or ended, I would be back to normal. Yeah, yeah, I know, I will have a new “normal”. I STILL want to know who coined that crappy phrase.

I don’t want this new normal if it means having finger nails and toe nails wanting to depart from my body. Leave already! Let’s get this show on the road. Stick a fork in me, I am so done! I’m tired of babying my left middle finger. Don’t you think this is an appropriate finger to have a nail fall off? I just love showing people this special finger. They go, “Ewwwwww” and then laugh because it’s the middle finger. Some of them don’t know that I really AM flipping them off. IT.HURTS. It hurts to type and in my profession, I type a lot . . . and then it throbs. T.H.R.O.B.S.

The left ring finger still has the red stuff underneath. This is how Mr, Lefty Middlefinger looked several weeks ago. It’s uncomfortable if I press on the top. So, don’t press on it, Renee, you say.

But wait, why should the right hand be left out of the fun? The ring finger is starting to turn opaque white like Mr. Lefty Middlefinger. And it is uncomfortable. Can’t say it HURTS, but it’s getting to that stage. The right middle finger has the red stuff and it hurts.

Let’s do the math here. Two fingers on the left hand + two fingers on the right hand = 4 fingers.

Wait boys and girls, there’s more! For just $19.95, you too can have toes that throb and burn 24 hours a day. Many toenails have the same white opaque as Mr. Lefty Middlefinger. At night, if one of them decides to get caught by the sheet, whamo bamo . . . T.H.R.O.B.

Okay, I’m done. Just had to get that off my chest. But dang it all if Mr. Lefty Middlefinger doesn’t T.H.R.O.B. from that fast, furious typing.

No need to comment. Just nod your head. And send chocolate.

I will remind myself that some other TNBCs have it worse and would gladly trade throbbing nails to have more days with their family.

Peace over and out!


  1. Sweet Renee,

    I know it's hurting (cuz you told me so, not from experience!) but I am sorry I found myself laughing at your rant. Not at you or your hurt, but at your rant!

    Please don't apologize for it, that is what we are here for!
    Vent at us,and by all means make us laugh!!!!

    I hope this all passessn for you soon my friend, I know your spirit and you will persevere. I keep you and your family right up there in my prayers.

    Love you! Toni

  2. Sorry, even though you said not to, I just had to comment! And I agree with Toni, you are very funny, and it's hard not to laugh, even though you're going through so much pain!

    Wow, Renee! I had no idea you have to go through all that with your nails. Is that from the radiation? That really stinks, to have to go through all that. I could imagine the pain, reminds me of when I smashed my finger in the van and had to go to the hospital. I was in pain for weeks and weeks, and like you, my nail eventually fell off. I can't imagine feeling that with so many fingers!!

    I am sooo sorry you have to go through that. I pray you will start feeling better soon.

    Love you Renee!

  3. consider this chocolate disguised as a supportive IS hard....and I am further down the road than you, though I haven't counted the are doing great...

    with love and hugs from another TNBC sister....

  4. How on earth did you figure out the days? I can't keep track of the day of the week :)

    You're gonna feel like breaking dishes when I tell you (once again) to just be patient with your hands. My mom lost almost every nail and ended up on antibiotics because of it. Keep you hands really REALLY clean. Wear soft gloves if you have to. And if you notice any nasty smell, please go immediately to the Doc.

    Pretty gross but it's our truth now, right?

    Hugs to you sugar! So very happy you can still find the humor in this whole nightmare.


  5. Thank you all for your kind words!

    Kim - the chemo drugs is what icked up my nails. I have a pic somewhere on the blog that shows the nails being red in stripes across the nail bed. Those red stripes are not being replaced with this opaque white.

    BTW - I didn't REALLY count the days. I found a date counter on the web. I cheat alot.

  6. Hey Renee!! Vent away-cancer sucks and there is no reason to think otherwise.
    I am big on 'counters'. I haven't yet installed one on my web site but they are in my head-7 days of cancerland -42 days until I am done with radiation- 25 weeks until I get to see my new grandchild, 2 days until I get to see my other grandchild. I'm constantly counting down. Anyway, for a philosophical approach to 'attitude' see